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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28448637">It's my turn to protect you from them.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaos101/pseuds/chaos101'>chaos101</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Banana Fish (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Canon Fix-It, Protective Okumura Eiji, all my fics have that tag too, i just love ash okay, what does it say about me that all my fics have that tag</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:14:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,348</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28448637</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaos101/pseuds/chaos101</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>He doesn’t realize, at first, that it’s Ash’s diary—it just looks like a spiral notebook. What throws him off is that the page it’s open to seems to be covered entirely in Eiji’s name. Endlessly curious, Eiji flips backwards a page.</p>
  <p>  <em>I live alongside these normal fucking people with their normal fucking lives, and they have no idea that they’re right next to a murderer. A whore. Sometimes I wonder if they can tell, if they can see the blood and everything else I’m covered in. Do the neighbors know? The people I pass on the streets? Are they as scared of me as I am of myself?</em></p>
</blockquote>Eiji discovers Ash's diary, leading to a conversation neither of them is quite prepared for.
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>242</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It's my turn to protect you from them.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Quick note! The dates in Ash's diary aren't really important, but they're based on the 2018 timeline and assuming that everything in canon took under two years—so this is a few months after everything settles down, similar to the rest of my fics so far. I was going to have the dates be closer to the date I'm posting this for the added effect, but I didn't want to write about the holidays, so I pushed it back a month. Anyway, thanks for reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Eiji finds Ash’s diary, Ash is sleeping for the first time in three days.</p><p>He’d been having a bad string of nightmares before that, waking himself and Eiji up just a few hours into every night, often with a scream or, one night, with a flinch bad enough to throw himself to the floor. Eiji remembers the exact day he seemed to give up on sleep entirely, evidently deciding that total sleep deprivation was preferable to the few tortuous hours he was getting each night. He remembers waiting for Ash’s breathing to even out, trying to stay awake until then, and then waking up to Ash miraculously awake before him for once.</p><p>Of course, Eiji has no doubt that the fact that Ash’s nightmares wake Eiji up, too, played into Ash’s decision to forgo sleep. That self-sacrificial streak is something he just can’t seem to shake, no matter how much time passes without a threat to their safety.</p><p>So when Eiji sees Ash asleep, even if it is at his desk with his cheek pressed into the spine of an open spiral notebook and a pencil still in his hand, the first thing he feels is relief. <em> Thank god, </em> Eiji thinks. <em> Ash is finally sleeping. </em> And it seems to be restful, too, with none of the fitful tossing and turning or mumbling that usually accompanies his nightmares. Of course, three days without sleep might have something to do with that, but Eiji will take the victory.</p><p>The next thing he feels is worry—the fear that Ash will be in pain when he wakes up from sleeping like this, and the protective urge to get him to their actual bed.</p><p>As gently as possible, Eiji removes the pencil from Ash’s hand and scoops him into his arms, hoping that the sleep deprivation means he’s sleeping deeply enough to prevent him from waking up. Ash has been healthily gaining weight in recent months—his eating disorder isn’t the main focus of his therapy sessions, but still something he’s working on—but Eiji never stopped working out and still has the athlete’s body he had when he was vaulting regularly. It doesn’t take much to lift Ash, and thankfully he doesn’t stir.</p><p>
  <em> Well, Ash has probably slept in worse places than this before, and in less comfortable positions. </em>
</p><p>Eiji quickly pushes that thought down, disgusted with himself for thinking it even as a pain rises in his chest. What’s important is that Ash is here, now, and safe, and Eiji will protect him. Even if it’s just from some back pain from sleeping at a desk.</p><p>Ash is already in Eiji’s arms when the notebook catches his eye again. He doesn’t realize, at first, that it’s Ash’s diary—it just looks like a spiral notebook. What throws him off is that the page it’s open to seems to be covered entirely in Eiji’s name.</p><p>He blinks, then turns away, resolving to come back once Ash is safely tucked in bed.</p><p><em> What in the world? </em> he wonders, coming back to sit down at the desk himself now and taking a second look. As he thought, the entire left page is covered in the word “Eiji” written in what must be Ash’s handwriting, but much neater than normal. It looks almost meticulous, despite being smudged slightly from where Ash fell asleep. Exactly 16 “Eiji”s per line, stacked nearly perfectly on top of each other. The right page is blank, and when Eiji flips through, so are the next several.</p><p>Endlessly curious, Eiji flips backwards a page. This one was in Ash’s normal, much messier handwriting.</p><p>
  <em> November 30, 2020 </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I live alongside these normal fucking people with their normal fucking lives, and they have no idea that they’re right next to a murderer. A whore. Sometimes I wonder if they can tell, if they can see the blood and everything else I’m covered in. Do the neighbors know? The people I pass on the streets? Are they as scared of me as I am of myself? </em>
</p><p>Eiji suddenly remembers Ash talking to him about this a couple months ago. That his therapist wanted him to start a diary. Ash was surprisingly open to the idea. His main complaint had been that there was nothing he could write that he didn’t already share with Eiji. Apparently that had changed, because Ash had never shared these feelings with him.</p><p>He wonders if he shouldn’t be looking at these words. He knows that if he asked Ash, he wouldn’t mind, but doing it without his permission like this? Still, Eiji can’t help but let his eyes wander to the previous entry.</p><p>
  <em> November 28, 2020 </em>
</p><p>
  <em> They’re still here, in my mind, sometimes. On my body. All of them, even the ones whose names and faces I don’t remember. I want them off of me, out of my head, but it’s so fucking hard to chase them away. How does Eiji do it? Does he even know? That his hand touching my face erases a hundred others? That his lips on mine take away the taste of every person before him? </em>
</p><p>Eiji’s still hesitant to read this, but seeing his own name again, he rationalizes that maybe it’ll help him help Ash. With the nightmares recently, Eiji’s been at a loss for what to do. <em> I’ll tell Ash, when he wakes up, </em> he resolves. That way he’s at least not keeping it a secret.</p><p>
  <em> November 27, 2020 </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Sometimes I think I must be the shittiest person in the world. Why does what was done to me affect me more than what I’ve done to others? I can acknowledge that I’ve been hurt, too, but I’ve killed countless people. People who loved others, and who had others who loved them. Because of me, someone lost a brother. A son. A lover. And it’s my fault. There’s no excuse for that. That’s so much worse than anything that’s been done to me. But that’s not what I see in my sleep. I see the people who hurt me, not the people I hurt. And the pain goes on, in my dreams, over and over and over. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> November 26, 2020 </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Shorter ... I took him away from Eiji, from everyone. Why doesn’t Eiji hate me for it? And why is his the only death that haunts me like this? Every person I killed had someone who loved them as much as I loved Shorter. Sometimes in my sleep he asks me to kill him again, and sometimes he asks me why I did it. And somehow, neither of those are the worst of my dreams. Whether it’s Cape Cod or Club Cod, I spend so much time back there. Nothing changes. I can’t escape. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> November 23, 2020 </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Eiji’s teenage little sister watches too much American TV. She loves to use the English slang she learns. Today she heard the term “body count” used to mean how many people someone’s had sex with. How would she feel knowing that she’s talking to someone whose body counts in both meanings are in the triple digits? How would she feel knowing that that started when I was about a decade younger than she is now? </em>
</p><p>Before that is another page filled entirely with Eiji’s name.</p><p>Eiji snaps the notebook shut.</p><p>What does he even say to Ash about this?</p><p>— — —</p><p>Ash sits up, disoriented for a moment as he tries to figure out what happened and how he ended up in bed. He glances at the clock. 5:27pm. How did he lose four hours?</p><p>“Hey, sweetheart,” Eiji says softly from the desk in their bedroom. “Did you sleep okay?”</p><p>Ash turns to face him, blinking blearily. “I slept?” he asks, surprised. <em> And I didn’t wake up crying? </em></p><p>Eiji chuckles softly. “Yeah, you did. I was really glad. I ... I know sleeping has been hard for you, recently.”</p><p>“Oh.” Ash mentally kicks himself. Eiji wasn’t supposed to find out that he wasn’t sleeping, but of course he did. It’s not like Ash can manage to hide anything from him these days, now that him finding out isn’t life or death anymore.</p><p>And on that topic, Eiji seems to know exactly what he’s thinking. “I want to know these things, Ash,” he says. “I don’t want you to keep your pain to yourself.”</p><p>Ash doesn’t reply, and after a moment Eiji shifts uncomfortably in the desk chair.</p><p>“And, uh, speaking of which ...” he hesitates. “You fell asleep with your journal open, and I glanced through it a bit.”</p><p>Ash’s eyes go wide as he remembers what he was writing last. “I’m sorry!” he blurts.</p><p>Eiji looks startled. “What? Um, I should ... I’m sorry, Ash, I shouldn’t have looked without asking.”</p><p>Ash shakes his head. That doesn’t matter. “I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I—Did you see the pages with ... with ...”</p><p>“Oh!” Eiji starts. “With my name?”</p><p>Ash winces. “I’m sorry, Eiji, I’m so sorry. I know that’s creepy and weird and—fuck, I’m so fucking clingy. God, I mean, Eiji, if you want—if you ever wanted to leave me, I wouldn’t—”</p><p>He needs to honestly tell Eiji that it’s okay for him to leave. And he can’t tell him that he’s Ash’s only reason for living. That’s way too much pressure, because Eiji actually gives a shit about Ash for some reason and would probably be guilted into staying if he knew. So Ash needs to tell him it’s okay for him to leave. And it is. It’s okay. Ash will just ... manage, somehow, like he did before. It was worse before, anyway.</p><p>“You can leave,” Ash tries. “I won’t blame you.”</p><p>Eiji looks startled again. “What? Ash, no, what do you mean? I’m not going to leave. I just told you I don’t want you to keep your pain to yourself, and you decide that that means I’m leaving?”</p><p>“Oh.” He did say that, didn’t he? “I just—Doesn’t it bother you? That I’m obsessive like that?”</p><p>Eiji shakes his head this time, sighing softly. “I didn't think it was obsessive. Does writing my name help you?” he asks.</p><p>Looking down, Ash bites his lip. He hesitates. “Yeah,” he admits in a whisper. “It helps ... helps me think about you. Instead of ... everything else. Everyone else. Golzine and Foxx and Marvin and—and my fucking coach and—”</p><p>“Then please,” Eiji interrupts. “Please keep writing my name. Whenever you need to. I’m honored, Ash, that something like that can help you. And ... you can talk to me, too, you know? You can come get me, when you feel ... the way you’ve been feeling. And if I ... if I help chase them away, you can ask me to do whatever you need me to do.”</p><p>Oh. Eiji saw more than just the page that was open.</p><p>Ash doesn’t look up. Doesn’t make eye contact. He can’t.</p><p>“It’s my turn to protect you from them, Ash. You already did the same for me.”</p><p>“I can’t ... make you do that, Eiji. I deserve to live with the pain, the nightmares. It’s less than the price I should pay for what I’ve done.”</p><p>He hears Eiji get up from the desk, feels the weight of the bed shift as he sits down next to Ash.</p><p>“What if it were me?” Eiji asks.</p><p>Ash looks up, startled.</p><p>“What if I had done the same things you have?”</p><p>“You ... wouldn’t have. You’re too good.”</p><p>“Did you forget that I shot Golzine? I would have killed him if my aim had been a little better.”</p><p>“But—that was for me. You did that for me, because I corrupted you.”</p><p>Eiji scoffs. “I’m a big kid, Ash. I’m older than you, remember?” He nudges him playfully. “I made my own decisions. And what if it had been for myself? Would you rather I die than kill someone?”</p><p>Ash literally flinches at the thought. “What? No! I—I’d want you to live, but that’s different—”</p><p>“It’s not. You didn’t have a choice in what you did.”</p><p>“There’s always a choice.”</p><p>“Okay, maybe so,” Eiji relents. “But even if that’s true, I’m still glad you chose to live, Ash. I’m glad that you’re here with me now.”</p><p>Ash decides to ask a question that’s been on his mind for a while. He needs to know the answer, even if he’s afraid of it. “Do you ever wish you’d never met me?”</p><p>But Eiji doesn’t hesitate. “Never.”</p><p>“But I caused you so much pain, Eiji. And I still do. You can’t honestly say that you don’t wish I never fucking existed.”</p><p>“Hey,” Eiji whispers. “Can you look at me, Ash?”</p><p>He does, slowly. When his eyes meet Eiji’s, he’s surprised at the expression he sees. It’s not the mask of someone who’s lying, or a shocked expression as he realizes that Ash isn’t worth it after all. It’s not even sadness. Eiji looks ... hurt. Hurt by Ash’s words.</p><p>“Sorry,” Ash mumbles, though he’s not sure what he did wrong.</p><p>“Meeting you was the <em> best </em> thing to ever happen to me. Not the worst. You are, without a doubt, the best part about my life. And everything that happened was worth it for the life I have with you now.”</p><p>The life they have now, huh? Ash can’t deny that everything seems worthwhile when he looks into those eyes. He’s read books where characters describe getting lost in their lover’s eyes—but that’s not quite right. Ash doesn’t feel lost in Eiji’s eyes. He feels found.</p><p>“Eiji?” Ash whispers. “I’m tired.”</p><p>Eiji’s expression softens, the hurt melting away into fondness. “I’m not surprised. You’ve had four hours of sleep in the last three days.”</p><p>And that’s not quite what he meant, but it’s close enough. “Can you ... Will you lie down with me? And maybe hold me while I sleep? I ... I want to feel you here with me. Instead of ... them.”</p><p>“I will do anything, Ash, if it will help you and make you feel safe.”</p><p>So they lie down, and Ash slowly falls asleep again. This time, the only touch in his dreams is Eiji’s.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>After my last fic I had some requests for more Ash POV! Unfortunately this idea doesn't work well for that for the first half, but I did switch to his POV for the second half. I plan to write more Banana Fish fics in the future, including some Ash POV stuff, so feel free to subscribe to me! Or check out my fic "Touch me. Touch me so it doesn't hurt."</p><p>I totally sound like *youtuber voice* "Don't forget to like, comment, and subscribe!"</p><p>Seriously though please comment. I love comments with my whole heart and soul. ❤️ Even if you're reading this a while after it was posted, I will ALWAYS read and appreciate your comments!</p><p>I'm trying to learn Tumblr! Come <a href="https://chaoslynx.tumblr.com/">hang out with me</a> and like ... send me asks or something? I don't know how Tumblr works send help</p></blockquote></div></div>
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